Do you ever have one of those days when life feels, well, shit? Then the day after you wonder what THAT was all about? Yeah me too, not very often now though, thankfully.
Yesterday anxiety took a grip, my mentality and physicality were not in my conscious control, it was reminiscent of the “dark days”. Now today, as I write, the balance, positivity and control have returned.
It’s been a while, too long really, since I last wrote. Yes, I type most days, emails, texts, social media posts but nothing of real substance, nothing intimate. So why now?
Guilt? A little.
Time? I can’t use that excuse.
The awful news about Caroline Flack? Well kind of, but I promise I’m not newsjacking.
The truth is I remembered my purpose.
Let me explain.
Since my recovery, my commitment was to share my experiences to benefit others (even if it’s 1 person). It still is. But since last summer when I spoke at TEDx Bollington, curated and hosted TEDx Oldham, my creative MOJO disappeared. Circumstances and life took an unexpected turn and if I’m being really honest I lost my motivation. My focus recently has been on my family; my father in law passed away without warning, his brother and my wife’s uncle shortly afterwards and my son left home to teach English in China before going to University. Consequently, my priorities changed. It has been all about those closest to me, I just had to keep strong and keep enough mental space to return.
It now feels like the storm clouds are passing again, they always do. I realise the irony as Storm Dennis is in full flow, the shed’s been destroyed, extractor fan seems to be alive and I can hear the garden gate clanging against the wall. You know the type clouds I mean when everything seems to be happening “to you” no matter what, you feel like the victim in a cruel story. This time, however, the victims are others. I’ve learned that not only do the clouds blow away to leave blue skies but when I look closely, I have a LOT to be grateful for (I think we all do in comparison to our predecessors).
I also stopped writing and sharing because I’ve been troubled that there’s a Mental Health Industry. Seems like everyone is talking about mental health, it is great that people are talking. However, many are capitalising on (and commercialising) other peoples pain and misfortune, this bothers me. I write to share, I like to listen, I often reflect. Now, after a self-imposed period of writing isolation, my creativity is returning. I remembered my purpose.
it was approximately 8 years ago when I finally felt calm and was soon to be at peace. When I decided that the best way to end the pain and torture of the twin curses of anxiety and depression (and PTSD and BPD). When I decided to end my life.
So why start again now?
Tragically, people end their own lives more often than ever before, why? Others, including myself, would say we are living in a pseudo-heaven. But when a beautiful, talented, loved, wealthy(?) celebrity ends their life it becomes even bigger news. Again, I am not newsjacking.
Caroline Flack reminded me that I almost made the same decision as her. Now, I am so grateful for the life I continued.
We will never know, understand or feel what Caroline felt. Imagine her emotional state, imagine her torture, her pain, her loneliness. Just for a moment try to comprehend what she was going through. No blame game it doesn’t help.
Each day can be a challenge, each can also be a gift.
24 hours ago my mental state was poor, I was simply overwhelmed with “stuff” and had a physical response to a tired mental state. Today I am so grateful for the people in my life, everything I have and the life I have been gifted.
What a difference 24 hours makes (or 8 years).
In loving memory of the countless lost souls who lost their fight, may they rest and may their lives stand for something.
If you’re ever in a similar position, PLEASE just talk.
If someone wants to talk, LISTEN.